Adam Noakes: metal gurus

Last night I was on a drink-fuelled rampage. This wasn't about getting into scraps in some sticky-floored nightspot; this was on the Internet, tweeting rants and emailing gurus about their attitudes.

It was all sparked by a tweet that I stumbled upon, that read something like "When choosing who to follow, I exclude people with a Klout score of less than 40" (I have my own issue with Klout). Gobsmacked, I sat looking at the screen for what seemed like forever. Is this what I'm a part of, is this how people see online marketing experts? For some time, I've been battling against an overriding anger at these experts peddling bullshit to the masses. It really gets to me.

I decided to take a deeper look into the man behind the tweet, his network and what 'stuff' they talk about. What I found didn't surprise me; it only saddened me further. The first guy in question claims to be something to do with 'Social computing architecture' and was an 'IT comms channel specialist'. I don't even know what that means. So we're already two strikes down, and a little further reading was required. The next line was something like "If I've missed you, get in touch and I might add you". Three strikes. Now you're on my list.

I then started to look at this person's network. I discovered another 'expert'; this one has a best selling eBook on 'Twitter for your business', priced at £10. In looking at this guy's credentials, I was expecting the book to be a fairly good overview of making use of Twitter for businesses. I expected to see examples for how Dell used it as a sales tool, what lessons can be learned for business of all sizes, how a micro business like Curbside Cupcakes uses Twitter as an interface between their logistical operation and their clients. What did I find? "Signing up with Twitter" - "Gaining more followers" and one that made my blood boil - "Twitter etiquette".

Fuck your Twitter etiquette. How do you know what a person's business is, to tell them the etiquette they should use, or are you claiming there is a universal code of etiquette on Twitter? Scaremongering individuals into paying consultants to tell them how to sign up to Twitter: this is your Twitter etiquette.

You can see I'm easily offended. I've been in a bit of rage since reading a post by a social media 'expert', talking about what is and what isn't a good 'experts' blog, trying to tell me that 1001 widgets and some stupid globe that plots my visitors location and displays for all to see, right on my site, is all factors in the measure of a good blog. From that day I started responding to these people - some will talk it out, others will just put their head back under the duvet and ignore me - it is what it is, I'm still going to bring you my opinion - wanted or not.

I can't sit back any longer and let this happen unchallenged, after all, why put a comment box on your blog if you don't want different opinions? If I think you are talking a crock of shit, I'm going to tell you, I don't care how many followers you have, what clients you've worked for, how high your Klout score is. I'm bringing the war to bullshit.

So. I'm going to leave you with the following points:

If you are a business or individual, and you want to open a Twitter account and aren't sure what to do, don't open a Twitter account. Don't buy an eBook to teach you how to do it. Go back to doing whatever it is you do best. If you want to think about how you can use Twitter as part of your overall marketing, then go and speak to an online marketing agency, much the same as you would in talking to a design agency, PR agency, and so on.

If you feel you don't have the budget to go and speak to an agency, then do some research, watch some YouTube videos, and come up with your own plan.

If you are an online marketing guru, peddling Klout scores, Twitter etiquette, eBooks, and seminars on creating a Twitter profile, then I'm coming for you.

You may be winning the battle, I will not let you win the war.

Adam Noakes is Head of Strategy at 140 Digital, and is @digitaladam on Twitter.