Web Curios 08/07/16

It’s good to know that the natural order of things has been restored and we can go back to looking at the US in horrified awe and fascination rather than the other way round, eh?

Oh, no, actually turns out that looking across the Atlantic today is just making me feel a bit sick and nervous. As you were. FFS, America. Just on the offchance that anyone reading this happens to be one of the idiots who chose to argue with Saul Williams at his gig the other week about Black Lives Matter, this is why.

I can’t, frankly, be bothered to get angry about anything up top this week; I simply don’t have the energy or the inclination. Console yourself with the thought that (presuming you’re reading this on Friday) it’s only a few short hours until the sweet release of the weekend, when you can drink or drug yourself into whatever flavour of stupor you find most comforting in an attempt to block out the white noise cacophony of quotidian insanity.

Come, then - let us gambol, carefree, through the meadow-strewn pastures of the web - careful, though, of the rusty machinery buried just beneath the surface which will if given half a chance maim and gouge and tear and rend until there’s nothing left of you but meat fragments and fear. THIS IS WEB CURIOS!

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Web Curios 01/07/16

Welcome, then, to this, the grinding, clashing, jarring, jangly, fraught, splenetic, spiky, hateful and quite kaleidoscopically mad comedown. NO-ONE TOLD US THAT IT WAS GOING TO FEEL LIKE THIS.

Look, none of us need to read any more words about this, so I’ll keep this bit short - never before, though, has it become quite so apparent that the internet really has made amateur proctologists of us all - like arseholes, everyone has an opinion, and now we have to smell and inspect EVERYONE ELSE’S thanks to the beauty of the web. SNIFF MY OPINION. WHIFF MY CANT.

Who’d have imagined that, a mere few short weeks after the murder of an ostensibly decent and hardworking parliamentarian whom most of us had never heard of because she was more concerned with doing her job and helping people than chasing the willo the wisp of political success, the top tier of UK politics would have manage to so comprehensively demonstrate the truth to the old adage that political power should never be granted to those who seek it? It’s been impressive to see a bunch of men and women working so hard to comprehensively destroy any last remaining vestiges of popular faith in their class, so well done all of you - you may have left us all in a frankly dreadful pickle, but at least we know what to think of you.

Can you imagine how weird you’d have to be to actually want the job of running the country right now? THEY ARE ALL THAT WEIRD.

Christ, what a mess. Sometimes there’s no recourse but to turn to literature (or booze; but it’s still a touch early for Casillero and I have work to do, so poncery it is) - two quotes to leave you with:

'Reality,' sa molesworth 2, 'is so unspeakably sordid it make me shudder'

‘The whole world’s a mess. We’ve fucked it. So let’s sit back and deconstruct it.’

This is Web Curios. It won’t fix anything, so the sooner you accept that the better.

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Web Curios 17/06/16

So I always start this off with some slightly laboured whine about how shit everything is, and how the world is going to hell in a handcart, and how this has been the worst week ever. I really don’t have the heart today.

It’s not like the world needs any more words about how fucked everything is, obviously, but fuck it, it’s my newsletter. Yesterday was horrific - genuinely, jaw-droppingly awful - and it’s sort of hard to know how to react, other than to maybe say the following. Of course Jo Cox’s death isn’t about political ideology; it’s about the actions of one desperately disturbed person, and it shouldn’t be attached to the actions of any particular group. Of course. That said, anyone who thinks that this isn’t a direct product of months of the most hateful political campaigning seen in this country for decades is a fucking idiot. You think that spending weeks upon weeks talking about TAKING OUR COUNTRY BACK and US AND THEM and WE NEED TO TAKE A STAND and THIS IS OUR LAST CHANCE and WE ARE BEING RULED BY ELITES OVER WHOM WE HAVE NO CONTROL doesn’t forment an environment in which the sort of scared, stupid madmen who perpetrate acts of this type become even more scare, that it doesn’t mean that this sort of event is exponentially more likely to occur? Please, you are a fucking idiot.

It’s not just that lot, though. The other lot are just as bad, with their constant talking down to the other side and the assumption that anyone who doesn’t listen to the opinions of the elites (and whether or not you consider the Bank of England, say, or the IMF, or any of the economic and political organisations who have come out to tell us what we should do to be elites is immaterial, as they are perceived to be such and that’s what counts) is an idiot; you think this doesn’t contribute to the disenfrachisement of an already-alienated body of people who feel belittled and ignored by a ruling class who considers them beneath contempt and their opinions of no import? Please, you are a fucking idiot.

A plague on all your houses, then. For what it’s worth - and not that I imagine I’m preaching to anyone other than the converted here, as you’re all, as far as I know, liberal-leaning tertiary educated mediamongs and you probably all read the Guardian JUST LIKE ME - I’d like to exhort you all to vote to remain next week. If you’re reading this, you probably quite like the web - there is much wrong with the world that the web has facilitated, but one of the greatest triumphs of the past 20-odd years of mass access to it in the West has been the opportunities for collaboration it has afforded, and the way in which it has fostered a sense of unity and collaboration amongst those who might not otherwise have found each other. As everything everywhere starts to feel colossal and jagged and frankly a little bit frightening, why would you not take steps to preserve one of the genuine, real-world collaborative unions we have, of which we can be an active, powerful part, and which we can shape to be an ameliorative force?

That’s a rhetorical question; you wouldn’t, would you?

Anyway, drink your soma. This is Web Curios, do with it what you will. I'm taking next week off - see you in a few weeks, come what may.

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Web Curios 10/06/16

Two more weeks of this. Two more weeks of endless bleating about FACTS and LIES and POTENTIAL ARMAGEDDON and FILTHY IMMIGRANTS COMING HERE STEALING OUR JOBS and HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF POUNDS OF WASTE and VOTER REGISTRATION FCUKUPS (good to see this campaign really took off, by the way) and oh God I am so, so tired of this all, please will you all just be quiet please.

Yes, as the ‘debate’ (I use the word advisedly; definitions include “a method of formally presenting an argument in a disciplined manner”, which I’m not totally sure fits in this instance) lurches onwards, attracting the same sort of attention from the public as one might normally give to a bemerded dipso railing at the pigeons at a provincial bus depot, so we’ve once again been subjected to a whole load of rhetoric and cant(ery) which has served mainly to make everyone contemplate leaving not only the EU but also this mortal coil, if only to make it all go away.

No matter, though, for we have a month of BREAD AND CIRCUSES to distract us from whatever happens on 23 June (or, more accurately, football). Before you all head to the pub this weekend, though, to binge on football and royal celebration and violent quantities of lager, get something just as pointless but far less popular down you - INGEST MY WEB CURIOS!

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Web Curios 03/06/16

In a week in which the British press reached something of a new low in terms of headlines - and let’s all take a moment to give thanks at the thought that the natural consumers of this sort of vile crap are all going to be dead within a decade or so, thank Christ, thereby putting  the paper out of existence, and in which a bunch of people worldwide revealed themselves to be unexpected experts on primatology and gorilla behaviour, there was also a small ray of light in the darkness.

Said ray of light is the return of the London International Festival of Theatre, which runs from now til July and contains some AWESOME work from all around the world, being shown all across the city. If you’re in any way interested in theatre, check out the lineup - I guarantee there will be something in there which appeals (obviously I don’t actually guarantee anything at all, so please don’t complain to me if your taste is wrong). I should probably disclose that I’m on their digital advisory board, but they don’t pay me anything so I figure it’s ok for me to plug it here. And what if it isn’t? IT’S MY SODDING NEWSLETTER, more’s the pity.

Anway, I’m tired, grumpy and my neck hurts from sitting at this desk for the past 6h19m typing this damned thing - here, take your internets and PISS OFF OUT OF IT. This, my children, is WEB CURIOS!

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Web Curios 27/05/16

In a week in which both typography and political campaigning reached a simultaneous new nadir, and in which despite everything going on the in the world the news has somehow been dominated by a once-beautiful Portuguese narcissist’s new job, it’s good to know that we have three days of uninterrupted heavy drinking to look forward to. It’s the best of all bank holidays, the one where we’re all pregnant with the possibility of Summer, where the weather might actually be ok and we can kid ourselves into thinking that this will be the year when Summer brings love and laughter and the PERFECT FESTIVAL EXPERIENCE and new beginnings and the sort of fun, friend-filled occasions ordinarily only seen in adverts for heavily-branded snack foods.

Don’t let me be the one to tell you that, just like every other year, this Summer will be characterised by missed opportunities and lost hopes and the sense that once again the perfect summers of your long-ago-remembered youth are vanished, never to be seen again. Don’t. Instead, prepare yourself for a weekend of cirrhosis and drug abuse (remember, kids, you’d best empty that Spice stash!) by plunging your face deep into the heaped, powdery mass of internet here arrayed before you - and don’t worry about the burning sensation in your sinuses, it’s nothing that a good sluicing can’t fix. LET’S ALL GET HIGH ON WEAPONS-GRADE INTERNET - THIS IS WEB CURIOS!

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Web Curios 20/05/16

Turns out Copenhagen is lovely, like some sort of LEGO model socialist utopia with lovely food and free, EU-funded coffee (HEAR THAT, BREXIT PEOPLE?). But I’m back now, and although we have a new mayor everything’s still pretty horrid, so what was the point of going on holiday anyway, eh? What? To give you a break from not reading this? Ah, well, quite.

Anyway, totally unrelated by last night I was doing my mentoring thing at a school in East London and we had a quiz with the kids - a pretty easy one, just for lols, asking them to name as many cartoons, or arsenal players, or comedy movies, as they could in 90 seconds. All well and good, though the class of boys were slightly more stumped when asked to name romantic films (“We’s men, we’s don’t watch chickflicks innit” - look, THAT’S HOW THEY SAID IT); the first one to be named by the class of 14 year old boys? 50 Shades of Grey. When confronted by the teacher who suggested that it wasn’t really a romantic film and so didn’t count, one of the kids was so incensed that he felt moved to stand up and shout (and I mean SHOUT) “NAH MISS THERE IS BARE ROMANTIC SPANKING!”.

I mean. Bare romantic spanking. Were I in a band, that would totally be its first EP.

Anyway, you don’t come here for tales of the YOOT. You come here so that I can regurgitate my week’s worth of internet consumption into your hungry, gaping maws, like a mother bird feeding her just-hatched young before pushing you out of the nest and seeing whether you fly or whether you plummet to the ground in a mess of splintered bone and gut and feather - so drink deep of my partially digested webmusings, kids, because time’s a wasting. THIS IS WEB CURIOS!

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Web Curios 06/05/16

WE DONE A DEMOCRACY! Well done us. At the time of writing it’s still unclear whether London made the RIGHT choice in the Mayorals, but still, well done us on being bothered to take 10 minutes out of our day to contribute to the illusion of political choice (right, kids!). Of course, the Americans are doing a democracy too, but they are doing it ALL WRONG. Silly Americans!

None of what follows is about any of that, though, and I’m off for the weekend and so keen to get this out - Web Curios will be AWAY next week, but in case you miss it you can get it all tweeted at you link-by-link from @imperica on Twitter. Oh, and if you don’t receive this as an email, you might want to - you can sign up here, TELL YOUR FRIENDS (or enemies, or indeed anyone; this is so terribly lonely).

What follows is, instead, another fun-filled playtime through the bowels of the web - pick up the speculum, strap on the head torch and make sure to thoroughly sterilise every single inch of exposed skin as we go spelunking through the moist, pulsating depths, looking out for polyps and floaters and immersing ourselves in the partially-digested slurry that is yet another week’s (only a week? My eyes) webspaff. This, as ever, is WEB CURIOS!

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Web Curios 29/04/16

In a week in which British politics has proven conclusively that we have little right to laugh at anyone else’s political goings on, and Syria continues to quietly, almost bashfully, get evermore banjaxed by the minute (BUT WE WON’T TAKE THE CHILDREN!), console yourselves with the fact that all of the UK’s media have been gifted the best week in living memory for the HOT TAKE (Ken! Beyonce! Nazis! Toilets!). The media is saved! Oh, no, hang on, it isn’t saved after all.

You don’t care about any of that though - or, if you do, you’ve read proper journalism about it rather than relying on this appallingly written heap of crap for your information. No, what you come here for is the seemingly neverending stream of links and webdistractions - a potentially toxic stream, admittedly, one thick with bobbing chunks of matter and viscous with the leavings of past culture; one practically coagulated and barely-flowing, so gloopily non-Newtonian that you could beat a man to death with it given a wide enough swinging arc...YES, THAT’S RIGHT, THIS IS WEB CURIOS!

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Web Curios 22/04/16

Jesus, would everybody please STOP DYING? What’s that? There is no divine power that either cares or listens to your pleas, and even if there were do you actually think that the answer to any of your selfish demands would be ‘yes’? Oh, ok, as you were then.

So as another load of talented people shuffle off this mortal coil, and we’re all forced to contemplate some pretty bleak truths, let’s console ourselves with the thought that at least HRH Elizabeth II, one of the great creative and artistic minds of the age, was spared 2016’s strange and unsettling artistic genocide. PHEW-EEE!

Anyway. This is all too bleak for words, and it’s important to remember that all this maungeing is not what THEY would have wanted. No, THEY would have wanted you to dry your eyes, grit your teeth, strap on the protective goggles and once again prepare to take a full-force jet of internet right in the kisser, courtesy Web Curios - and so that’s exactly what you’re going to do, right? RIGHT?!?!

As ever, this is Web Curios. TELL YOUR FRIENDS. Or enemies. Or anyone, really, I don’t really care, it’s all just numbers to me, frankly.

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Web Curios 15/04/16

In a week in which we have appear to have returned to the 1980s (Tory spanking scandal? Celebrities* all over the papers BUT ONLY THE FOREIGN ONES? We’ll all be doing cocaine and talking excitedly across each other nex...oh), it’s been cheering to see that the future is still happening, what with the whole SpaceX excitement. It didn’t stop everything from being basically just terrifying, though. Why is it all so scary? WHY?

No time to delve into that one this week - FOR SHAME! - as we’re running late; instead, attempt to master your fear by clinging to the poorly-stitched comfort of blanket of webphemera that I deliver to you each week; don’t dwell on the staining, or the fact that the corners are already damp - is that saliva or tears or something worse? Let’s not speculate - and instead clutch it close to your chest, in the hope that it will distract you from the fact that, fundamentally, life is pain. THIS, AS EVER, IS WEB CURIOS!

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Web Curios 08/04/16

HELLO WE ARE BACK! That was a slightly longer break than planned, for which apologies - not that I imagined you noticed, though, what with all exciting events of the past few weeks.

By ‘exciting’ I obviously mean ‘tremendously dispiriting’, but that’s sort of par for the course with THE MODERN WORLD. Which, frankly, is why Web Curios exists - to distract you from the actual horror of the world around you with a selection of more theoretical virtual horrors! No, you’re welcome!

Anyhow, there’s an awful lot to get through this week, as I attempt to fit three weeks of web into a space designed for much less - just imagine what it’s felt like carrying it all around in my head, though (like having a pregnant face, if that’s any help).

So let’s once again eagerly strap on the nosebag of webspaff, taking care not to imbibe too greedily for there’s always a risk of choking and you wouldn’t want me trying to Heimlich you, trust me - THIS, AS EVER, IS WEB CURIOS!

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Web Curios 18/03/16

Did you hear that, young people? THAT WAS FOR YOU! Forget about the fact that you’re going to have to work until you’re in your 80s, that we’re bequeathing you a planet that is soon going to be banjaxed beyond all utility, that we’ve taken all the houses and that you can’t have any, that we’ve eroded all the job stability and security of the old economy whilst in thrall to the new and that we have no idea what to do about, that there has never been a more overwhelmingly confusing time to be alive, because we’re going to save you from yourselves by MAKING POP EXPENSIVE. That’ll sort it, then.

Actually I’m fully in favour of the sugar tax fwiw, but none of you care about that. What you care about is the fact that IMPERICA IS BACK! Yes, that’s right, my publishers and paymasters are once again back on their feet - you should all bookmark it, it will be full of goodness. Oh, and in case you’re not subscribed to Curios, you can do that too. TELL YOUR FRIENDS (or your enemies, I’m really not fussed).

Anyhow, Curios is taking a break next week what with it being the most macabre of all public holidays (Easter really does afford one the most marvellous opportunity to applaud humanity for its genius in coming up with really creative ways to do each other harm) - don’t worry, though, because this week’s basket of links is FULL TO BURSTING with chocolate goodness/the partially-developed embryos of birds (not sure quite what the ratio is this week, so take care when biting in. THIS, AS EVER, IS WEB CURIOS!

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Web Curios 04/03/16

So this week it’s all been about FEAR! FEAR! SCAREMONGERING! FEAR! Without wishing to get bogged down in the minutiae of an already-tediously hyperbolic debate, I’m not sure that the ‘let’s stay in the EU’ side of the debate can really be said to be ‘fearmongering’ when you compare what they are saying to all the other things there are out there to be actually scared of, a list of physical, emotional and existential terrors so kilometric that even writing this sentence is causing sweat to pool in my clavicle as the first low echoes of the howling fantods start to yowl over the outer reaches of my consciousness.

There’s a LOT to be scared of.

One thing you DON’T have to be scared of, though (seamless, right?) is the imminent and much-anticipated relaunch of Imperica, which will be revamped and reinstated in the next week or so, complete with all new features and stuff - not least of which is a ‘community’ bit, which will serve to let you talk about all this digiapocalypticalarttechstuff (that’s the convenient portmanteau term I’ve coined for potential investors - good, isn’t it?) with other like minded folk. If you like the stuff you get in here, you’ll like what you get from Imperica, so why not go over here and sign up?

Anyway, enough of the plugging. Let’s get down to business - I’ve spent the past 6 hours of my life feeding all of the internet I’ve seen this week into the meatgrinder / sausage machine that is my brain. Position yourselves by the exit holes, prop your jaws open to their maximum extension and get ready to get a faceful of freshly-minced internet right down your throat (ignore the lumps, a bit of gristle never hurt anyone). THIS IS WEB CURIOS!

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Web Curios 26/02/16

Well, now we know. 4 months of tedium as a bunch of dullards attempt to convince a largely ambivalent electorate of the validity of their point of view - I thought we did this last year, but it turns out that referenda are even WORSE than general elections from the point of view of them just wanging on and on and on and on and on…

Web Curios, by contrast, with its snappy prose style and easily digestible selection of infopellets, could NEVER be accused of outstaying its welcome, which is why the opening section is going to breeze past you as it’s barely here this week, leaving you free to root through the compost heap of internet as you see fit - please, though, remember the gloves and the facemasks, and remember to wash thoroughly afterwards as the stench of web is so hard to shift. THIS, AS EVER, IS WEB CURIOS!

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Web Curios 19/02/16

HELLO AGAIN EVERYONE! Rejoice, for 2016 can finally properly begin - Web Curios is BACK FOR GOOD (barring additional holidays, sickness, a general continuation of the overall lack of anything resembling a regular audience for this, the publisher pulling the plug, death or serious illness, or just the eventual victory of the crushing sense of ennui and futility which is almost certainly what will claim me if cancer doesn’t)!

I would probably traditionally try and make some sort of SEMI-TOPICAL GAGS about the past few weeks’ internet here, but it was so nice not really bothering with it for a while that I’m going to pretend that it didn’t actually happen. Sadly I am having to drag myself back into semi-regular employment as of next week, so expect this bright, breezy and generally Fotherington-Thomas-ish tone to be a distant memory come next Friday - if you would prefer a happier and more carefree Curios, feel free to get in touch directly to discuss ways in which you could contribute to the as-yet-empty Matt Muir indolence fund.

But now, let us CRACK RIGHT on. Slather yourself in whatever protective creams you favour and prepare to once more step into the multimegawattage glare of FULL-BEAM internets - side effects of prolonged exposure include the sloughing of the skin, weeping sores and the sort of blindness traditionally associated with the sins of Onan. This, as ever, is WEB CURIOS!

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Web Curios 29/01/16


Yes, look, fine, I know that noone really reads this and therefore noone really cares, but I care, OK, and I need to do something ease the frankly terrifying buildup of internetpressure inside my skull in order to avoid painting my kitchen an unpleasantly bloody shade of grey matter like something out of Scanners.

Anyway, HOW HAVE YOU ALL BEEN?! 2015 seems like AGES ago, now that we’re all living under the pseudo-benign dictatorship of a stick-figure arbiter of acceptable behaviour. We’ve already birthed and killed a brand new social network, and it’s not even February - trul, this year promises to be full of excitement and VIM!

What it actually promises to be full of, if the first few weeks are anything to go by, is a continuation of the pathetic bleating about everything in the world ever which characterised much of 2015, along with an added and unwanted sprinkling of famous artist death. GREAT. Although it will ALSO be full of BRAND NEW IMPERICA - that’s right, the site’s getting a redesign and a relaunch in the next few weeks, which you can read about here.

In any case, I won’t be around for it as I am going on HOLIDAY next week. Yes, I know that I am basically unemployed at the moment and as such the idea of a holiday is sort of redundant, and I know that Christmas was only a few weeks ago, but frankly I need one and I don’t care. So consider this a stopgap, a snack, an appetiser, an amuse bouche before the full 46-week tasting menu of Curios kicks off in earnest in mid-February (even typing that made me feel a touch sick if I’m honest); tie on your napkin, hold your nose and trust the chef’s intuition and judgment as he prepares to stuff a full 6 weeks’ worth of internet RIGHT IN YOUR FACE. This, as ever, is Web Curios.

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Web Curios 11/12/15

Web Curios 11/12/15

I went to Amsterdam! It was fun! We played videogames and smoked weed and did mushrooms and all those sorts of stereotypical Amsterdam-type things - what LARKS!

Then last weekend my little brother died and the glow of carefree fun sort of wore off a bit.

WOAH! Big downer there, sorry. You’re here for a good time, not a hard time, right? RIGHT! Carry on reading and get stuck into the links, as there are lots of them and some of them are even quite good.

This may, or may not, be the last Curios of the year. If it is, then THANKS FOR READING, ALL OF YOU. You’re all very kind. If it’s not, then no thanks whatsoever you ingrates.

Anyway, let’s once more stare into the abyss - it’s not staring back, you dreadful solipsists, the abyss couldn’t give a flying one about you, you know. This, possibly for the final time in 2015, is WEB CURIOS!

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Web Curios 27/11/15

Web Curios 27/11/15

Everything’s fixed! All that talking and opining about What Must Be Done has sorted EVERYTHING OUT! Praise be!

ONLY JOKING! It’s all still a total fcuking mess, whichever way you look.The only people with reason to look happy at the moment are the arms manufacturers, and they tend to grin suspiciously most of the time anyway. The rest of us, though, can only reflect on how banjaxed everything is and self-medicate to take the pain away.

Which, in a SEAMLESS segue, is exactly what I am going to be doing this weekend, and I visit Fat Bob in Amsterdam and try not to let him tempt me into doing crack with strangers. Presuming I survive, I’ll see you in a fortnight - Web Curios will be taking next week off to deal with the inevitable empty feeling that comes from TOO MUCH FUN. In the meantime, though, enjoy these hand-foraged, artisanally-crafted nuggets of web, sourced from all over and served to you with the now-mandatory garnish of prolix ennui that literally DOZENS of you have come to...well...tolerate, I suppose, is the best way to describe it. Hold your nose, scarf them down, and don’t think too much about exactly what all of this is doing to you -  THIS IS WEB CURIOS!

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Web Curios 20/11/15

Web Curios 20/11/15

Well that was vile, wasn’t it? Let’s accept that there’s little or nothing edifying I can say about Paris and associated issues and move on - except that I was watching Question Time last night and a few things struck me which I will share in passing:

  1. You know what? I don’t know enough about any of this to have a cast-iron position on airstrikes, the Middle East, Islam or any of the rest of it, and neither do you (unless you have access to Cabinet-level intelligence, perhaps,or your an expert in the millennial sh1tstorm that is the whole region). Just bear this in mind.

  2. There was someone, I forget who, on Question Time last night, who got annoyed with someone for ‘muddying the waters’ by bringing up the wider Middle East in the context of this. Leaving aside the bare-bones idiocy of that position, these are waters that are filthy with blood and oil and money; you can’t muddy them, because they are fcuking murky already.

  3. I read someone writing on Twitter somewhere that ‘this is weather now; you can’t stop weather, you just mitigate against it’. That struck me as depressingly accurate.

Anyway, noone needs or wants this, so by way of light relief let me share with you a brief vignette from my life last weekend which may amuse.

I was on the Tube going into town, when I spotted a crumpled flyer on the seat across from me. Being well into found oddities (I own several editions of this, for example, which is EXCELLENT), I picked it up. Here it is:

Odd, eh? I mean, I’m not into spanking (too much information, I know, but I feel it’s important to clarify these things at the outset), but it’s sort of curious, right? Even curioser - on the reverse were the name and bank details of one Ishmael Skyes, who I obviously Googled later that evening when drunk and discovered was the doyenne and coordinator of a certain London spanking and CP (Corporal Punishment, apparently, with a tendency towards school uniforms and very British discipline) community, which was holding a spanking party in South London that very Sunday, tickets to which were £20. Not only this, but the party was being held under the aegis of a certain insitution, active since the mid-80s, specialising in this sort of school-themed fetishism. The institution’s name?

The Muir Academy

You know when sometimes it just feels like the universe is speaking to you? I mean WHAT ARE THE CHANCES that I would find a flyer on the tube for some weird S&M fetish club based around a school of punishment and domination bearing my actual name? I have been properly weirded out by this all week, and have avoided speaking to my Dad in case there’s some sort of dark family history I’ve never been told about. Christ knows what the universe is saying, in any case. It's probably telling me I need punishing, which is pretty accurate as it happens.

Anyway, that was something non-atrocity related which happened this week, and which I hope has somewhat lightened your mood in what has been, in no uncertain terms, a pig of a week. Without any further ado, let’s plunge headlong into the lost property cupboard of the internet - remember, you’re going to have to put SOMETHING on or you’re doing games in your pants. THIS IS WEB CURIOS!

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